.Fearless

I don’t want to be afraid anymore.

I don’t want to be afraid of people who think they can manipulate me or people who truly believe they have the right to change my life and decisions I make.

I don’t want to be afraid of failures, bad grades or other difficulties which usually scare me.

I don’t want to be afraid of life Of trying new things Of going abroad Of leaving everything behind I want to be fearless. And I will.

I think we can all change our path. And I want to start making these changes now. I may fail, crush, break, but at the end of the day it’s just what life is. It consists of mistakes. I don’t know who I am today. But I know for sure that i don’t want to be afraid anymore.

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.What do I fear the most?

I don’t understand why, but I feel the most inspired at night.

New day. New night. Nothing will ever change.

Again.

It’s midnight now.  Unfortunately, I can’t see the stars today. Sometimes they help. I feel like there’s someone with me, and I’m not alone.

I guess I just think too much. I always analyze every word I have ever heard from people who are close to me. And there are a lot of people who are close to me which may sound great and disturbing at the same time.

But do you know what I’m afraid of?

I’m afraid of the night. Every night is a challenge. You may think that it’s a bit stupid and maybe it is. I never deny the fact that my blog is a mistake made by me almost a year ago. But it is not the subject of discussion today.

What I’m trying to say is that the most horrifying and bloodcurdling thoughts come to me at night.

What does the night mean to me? When I hear this word I think of something incredibly mysterious, dark, but beautiful, bright because of the moon and stars. But at the same time I think of other words, such as silence, emptiness, loneliness, and thoughts. Very negative thoughts.  I read that a lot of people suffer the most at nighttime. I believe that it happens this way due to silence. The city is quiet, nobody bothers you, your friends and family are asleep. It sounds like a perfect moment for overanalyzing, especially if you want to make your emotional state even worse and make your life a living hell.

But it’s not THE NIGHT that scares me the most. I guess it’s what’s behind this word. It’s me. My mind. These thoughts don’t leave me alone for hours. And I can’t stop thinking. I used to hate it, but since I’m trying to accept myself, I also accept the fact that thinking too much is a part of me.

I read that a lot of people get this feeling and experience fear. A lot of people overanalyze the situation they’re in right now. A lot of people struggle. A lot of people feel the same way. I mean, can you imagine this?

And here’s the most important question that comes to my mind. 

Why is everyone alone in this?

Don’t bother yourself with the answer, I still haven’t found one.

But I know now what my dream is. My dream is to unite the world. It may sound crazy and impossible, but i always ask myself, ‘Why should we all be alone in our loneliness?’

You are not alone in this,

Alina

.Burnout

11 p.m.
I listen to the same song over and over again.
Still need to make my home assignment.
No motivation. No desire to be somebody in this life.
Nothing.
Something is telling that it is the right time to do something, but I still can’t.
I postpone all the things that I am to do. Always. I guess this is just my motto. Postpone everything and do it 2 hours before the deadline (yay me).
Before we dive into the topic, I would like to tell you a little bit about my approach to everything. In case with me it’s a do-or-die approach. Either I work till I’m exhausted or I don’t work at all. But we all make mistakes and I made one too. I thought that the University was everything to me. I didn’t understand that working 24/7 would get me nowhere, considering the fact that I didn’t even like what I studied (I still don’t). It is a problem, but I guess I just got used to the situation. I still struggle. I used to work so hard that I didn’t have time to go out with my friends, talk to my grandparents or eat. And even at that moment I knew that I would never want to spend a day working in this field. But I’m very responsible. So I did try to make the best of everything I experienced back then. As I can see now, it didn’t go well.
What I have now is called burnout. And it’s about more than just procrastinating or having no desire to do my homework or some stupid presentation. It’s a lack of motivation. I become very nervous when I need to do my homework or anything else concerning my studies. I don’t enjoy things I used to be very fond of. I tried to find a new hobby, but failed. But I don’t lose faith and still want to do something interesting and creative.
I decided to change my life a little and make it better. Practice makes perfect, I still need to work on my perception of the world, but these changes made me feel alive again (sounds cliché, but I’ve never said that I’m unique).

  1. Sleep.
    This is one of the best things I have ever tried in my life. It feels so good to sleep again after 3 years of exhaustion. Sleep makes me less irritated. Hopefully, I’m not the only person who noticed it.
  2. Worry less
    It still sounds impossible to me to not care about what other people say, think or even do. But I know for sure that somebody else’s opinion definitely bothers me less than it used to 2 years ago. Also, this rule can relate to my studies. I don’t care that much about my grades, because I know that there’s not even one grade that can define me as a person or tell what I’m going to do further.
  3. Enjoy the process
    I never live in the moment. I always think that I need to do a lot of things in order to get everything I want in the future. Why do I do this? The answer is simple, but stupid. I believe that I can be happy if I get the things I want or if I live in the city/country I want. But I realize now that one cannot plan happiness. And if you’re not happy, then it’s time to look at life from different perspective. I know that it’s difficult. And it’s completely fine if you don’t smile every second of your life or if you have these negative thoughts stuck in your head. It’s life, so sometimes we get frustrated. But the point is that we can try to be better. I mean, we have only one life, so why not? I leave it here as motivation. At least I can read this if I’m stressed again.
    The only thing which is important is to learn how to balance your work/studies and your personal life. Overworking won’t make you more productive. It will make you a robot.
    Take care of yourself,
    Alina💛

.I never tell how I feel

Trigger warning

Before you read this, I would like to apologize for the mistakes I could make in this text. My grammar is not perfect. Thank you.

This is something I think about a lot every single day. I don’t know whether it’s wrong or right to feel this way and keep it to myself, but it’s got really overwhelming lately. I guess it’s time to share my secret with the world. Or just few people since no one is going to read it.
It’s very hard for me to be alone since I start analyzing my whole life, thinking about every second of my failure and what I experienced. I cannot say that I’ve been through a lot. It wouldn’t be fair since I know how others may suffer every minute of their life and have a constant battle with their fears and obstacles. Sometimes I feel like I have no right to trouble somebody with what I feel and what I think about. I truly believe that everyone will judge me because my problems may not be that important. Although I’m trying to convince myself in the opposite, I still can’t get over the fact that sometimes people are annoyed when I start telling them about my worries. That is the reason I’m telling all this to people I don’t know. I write about my feelings and put them on display as if my emotions and struggles were just a cheap watch. Everyone looks at it, but no one really cares. No one wants to buy it and bother oneself with fixing it. 

I guess I will have to write some kind of introduction before I proceede with the main idea.

I think this is the time we talked about something terrifying, but real. Suicide. Is this a way out? I don’t want to romanticize suicide. It is NOT a joke. It is definitely not something I want to consider as a solution to my problems. Unfortunately, I more often get the feeling that it may be something which can help me get rid of all this pain which ruins me on the inside. I know that this pain is abstract. But its meaning is not. It is my reality. And I don’t understand how to turn down the depressive sound I hear when I go to the University, study or go to bed. Sometimes I can’t even hear my friends. I listen to them, but don’t really pay attention to what they’re saying at the moment. And it’s not because I don’t want to. I just can’t. I started eating more. More food to fill my stomach so I would enjoy at least something in my life. This is funny since I do realize that food won’t make feel better about myself and won’t help me. But it feels so right to escape from all these terrible thoughts I get when everyone is asleep. I may be stupid. Not maybe. I am stupid.

But I’m trapped. No one is here. And there will never be a person who can change it. I guess I’m just giving up. But I’m tired of changing my life. I’m tired of doing it on my own. I have felt this way since I was 13 years old. I will turn 20 this year. I spent 7 years; still don’t know what to do. Still no confidence, no self-love. Only low self-esteem and constant pain.

I do want to whine right now. Because I know that it will release only 10% of what I feel. I cannot put it into words. It’s way too difficult for me to handle it by myself. Listening to all this crap in my head 24/7, then tell everyone that every suicide-talk is just a joke. It’s just a life-threatening joke.

I still remember the words I heard while listening to a song.

I wish I wasn’t going home
Dealing with it on my own

This is what I want every day. Stop dealing with everything on my own.

.Loneliness

Probably I will never be able to describe this feeling. I don’t even know what this word means. Maybe loneliness has different meanings to everyone.

I realized how lonely I am only a couple of weeks ago. And it’s very weird to feel this way. I never show my real feelings to people, I don’t know why, but that’s the fact. I can talk about everything, except my real fears. It’s deeper, it is something what my friends can’t see. I never talk about it. Not being able to open up to people who are close to me is quite painful.

To realize what I’m going through right now I had to analyze literally everything I do every day since my actions affect me the most. Also, I had to think more about people who I talk to quite often. And it wasn’t the most pleasant thing for me.

At first, you think that it’s okay that you have no one to talk to. Then you understand that you feel like a ghost. Everyone is laughing and you look at them, thinking that there’s something wrong either with them or with you. No emotions, no desire to do anything, constant feeling of pressure, constant desire to escape without any explanation because you know that there’s no one who can understand you.

And I’m 100% sure that I’m not alone in my loneliness. Even the happiest people can experience such feeling from to time to time. I just wish there was someone who could help me.

I thought that doing something could bring me back to life, but it didn’t really help. That was the moment when it hit me. I’ve been working so hard for all these years without sleeping and eating enough. I was lonely, and I tried to hide it. I refused to accept the fact that for all this time I was alone. And instead of dealing with this problem I just decided to leave it as it was. So stupid of me to think that it would work out just fine. Nothing can work perfectly well if it’s broken. I guess it’s the same with people.

I mean, you can change the name of the book, but will it change the content?

You can put a smile on your face and convince yourself that everything is fine. But is it true?

I am at the stage of my life when nothing really matters. I hope I’ll find a way out.

And I hope that whoever reads it will find the solution to their problems too. It’s important to find balance and get over the situation. I hope everyone will feel better one day.
 

12/6/18 (American English)

Yours sincerely,

Allie

.Freedom

I watch a lot of inspirational videos on YouTube.  And there was a video of a dancer. She talked about being free and how this feeling made her the happiest person in the world. And it was literally the first time in my life I was really jealous of someone that much. 

I’m not here to advise you anything, because I don’t know how to cope with all the difficulties and stress I go through today. I wish there was a person who could just show me a way out of the situation or a solution to every problem I have to deal with. 

The only thing I know for sure is that every day I wake up and do something I truly hate. People who don’t study don’t make me jealous. People who have their life together don’t make me jealous. But freedom. If someone has freedom, then this person has options, because to me freedom means the ability to choose. 

I hate waking up too early because of something I don’t even want to do. I hate having nightmares because of stress which kills every happy and positive particle of me. I hate having stress because of things that don’t even matter and things that will not help me in achieving my goals. 

I thought I just wanted to be successful or achieve a lot.  It may be important, but I do know now that these things won’t make me happy. Freedom of choice, freedom of actions, freedom of life will give me everything I’ve ever wanted. 

Up tо this day I thought I was free and I believed I did everything my soul wanted. But it seems obvious right now that I followed somebody else’s way and I’m not ready to keep on doing it. 

But I’m open to everything new, I’m ready to change. 

I guess I’m just ready to be free. 

.The question is…What makes me smile?

What made you smile like an idiot today? Was it your best friend you’ve known since childhood? Or was it a famous comedian who worked so hard to bring this temporary joy to you? Was it some kid in the street, your significant other, your family, movies, cartoons or flashbacks which always pop up in your head so unexpectedly?

Or was it nothing? Was it emptiness that engulfed your heart and erased that smile from your face? Was it a desire to escape into the deepest corners of your crazy mind with its weird fantasies?

Was it loneliness that made you feel blue tonight? Or in the morning? An awful date you have been dreaming about for the past two weeks? Sounds like another reason to feel even more like a failure today.

Or maybe some random person hit you in the head in public transport? Or is it some members of your family who don’t support you?

Perhaps the weather made your day even worse. Rain or these freaking sunrays, and the Universe knows how much you hate these infernal sunbeams. It is too cold or too hot outside. Not warm enough to wear that elegant dress/t-shirt you bought three weeks ago. Not cold enough to wear that maroon leather jacket. The temperature is wrong, you can’t explain why, but it makes you angry.

Birds sing too loud, too soft, too beautiful. Not inspiring enough.

People. Morning. Annoyed. Not ready. It seems like your hobby turned its back on you too, and you lost the point of doing what you did, so now every particle of this cold and unfriendly air literally forces you to be irritated. Your work is too much, everything is too much. And then you stop in front of a display window, looking at some odd low-quality clothes made by where-is-my-money kind of person and at the same time you stand there staring at your vague face, still visible enough for you to see its reflection in the “big glass screen” and ask yourself, “What do I do now?”

And at this very moment of sadness and confusion, at the moment when you’re too emotional ask yourself another question, probably the most stupid question, but a very distracting one, “What makes me smile?”

Nothing! Of course, it’s nothing… It can be nothing for the rest of the day/week/month. But at the end of the day you’ll find the answer.

The world which moved in slow motion will change its pace now. Just smile. Your smile can make everything better.

We make our favourite breakfast while listening to our number-one song. We put on the most comfortable clothes feeling like Gods and Goddesses. We talk to each other. We live. Trying to survive, but still, we live. We laugh at stupid, awkward and dirty jokes. We smile. Yes, everyone smiles like an idiot from time to time, and this is freaking amazing. It heals us, it really does.

We smile when we’re happy, in love, when we’re with someone we trust and care about, and with someone who knows us inside out.

So the next time the whole Universe along with the Moon and the Sun seems to be against you, please, ask yourself this question and share your beautiful and healing smile with the world.

Best wishes,

Alina